This semester, I've been reflecting over and over again on the prompting I had a little more than a year ago to dive naïvely into a book I'd rarely heard about in my fifteen years of life. And as I opened the contents, the preface, and drew my finger over the first line, I knew little that such a prompting would pull me into a place I never knew existed--a place that might change my life forever and stick me in front of the most miraculous crossroads. This walk with Christ, in 42 weeks, was some unexpected tidal wave that somehow planted me on my feet.
My book used to be blank, tidy, and square, and so was I. I was ready, just like the bulky manuscript, to be written on and marked; even washi-taped and sticky-noted on every corner. I posted my first podcast on August 21, 2021 with a vision in my mind of exactly how the year would go. READ. HIGHLIGHT. TAPE. SKETCH. RESEARCH. SPIRITUAL HIGH. PODCAST. REPEAT. It felt right, immaculate, and I knew it would be. My book was going to be colorful, and my journal filled. Nothing at all could go wrong. However, as hastily as I had dipped my nose into the binding to read, a great adversity pulled me back.
What I thought would be the most delightful experience, slowly turned into a trial. I jumped right in, "not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." Getting to know and love my Savior would be harder than I thought, because there was a grueling monster who wanted to have every part of tearing me away from the brother I desperately wanted to know.
Despite all my visions and dreams about how lovely the year would be, it was during October when I began to drag my feet and wonder. With my chin in my palms, I etched out the doubtful ideas of my progress. I began to feel discouraged and completely useless. Deep in my soul I knew that this great work I had been so mercifully chided to accomplish was being hindered by the adversary, because he knew I was being changed, and inspiring others, to become like Christ. During many sleepless nights, I felt complete darkness overcome me and heard cruel, whispering voices of the devil countering my thoughts and sneering into my dreams. Often, I'd cry myself to sleep, trying not to forget the impression I'd received and how it would bless my life. But that was the trouble; I didn't know how it was blessing me. I didn't feel the immaculate change I desired in my testimony, nor experienced the moments I wanted with my Savior. In fact, He felt more distant than tangible to me.
After weeks of battling my continuous doubts, I slowly realized that somehow amidst the darkness, I would embrace the stars. Something pivoted as the school year went on, month by month, day by day. Whenever I felt like giving up and throwing my book away, the Lord sent a miracle to save me, just like He always had in ancient times. Because my God is unfailing, He wouldn't let me fail, either. Some miracles came as I studied the book. It seemed as though a chapter was written the previous night to list remedies to my worries and pains. As I read about Christ's miracles, raising the dead, causing the blind to see, and opening the hearts of his few, chosen people, I realized that He, too, was healing me, opening my eyes and calling on my faith. And his genuine, perfect voice came through others, too....
"Thank you for all the time and effort you put into these! You are blessing lives!"
"You are filled with so much light and testimony. It shines brightly through my screen. You are so brave to put out these wonderful videos and I know Heavenly Father is so pleased with your efforts. Way to go!!!"
"I've been motivated to read Jesus the Christ again. It has been many years."
"Just stumbled on this. You are amazing."
"I just wanted to say thanks for your great videos! I'm actually reading Jesus the Christ too for homeschool, so these videos fit right in line with that!"
I wish I would have known that my prompting wasn't about reading Jesus the Christ cover to cover. It was about living with Christ every day; LIVING HIS STORY AND LIVING MINE, THEN KNITTING THEM TOGETHER TO MAKE ONE MIRACULOUS NOVEL. As I look back on that year, I realize that God changed me, and I begin to see that He was molding me into something more beautiful and precious than I ever could have become on my own. Just when I thought I had already reached my heights, the Savior cut me down and raised me up again. He let me see the darkness, because then I could more fully appreciate the stars.
1 Peter 1:7-8 tell us, "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory."
The trial of my faith was real. No matter how many times I wanted to give up, God wouldn't let me, because He loves me too much to let me fail. With bare, muddy feet, I followed Him by a way I'd never tread before. Though I couldn't see Him, I believed and continued to carefully walk forward. My Lord so patiently chided me on and guided me through the most miraculous crossroads, where I met many of my most cherished, beloved friends. I thank God for them every day, and for every other miracle and blessing that He sent me. Because of Him, my joy is full, and I BEHOLD HIS GLORY.
Looking at a picture of the Savior now, I say aloud, "I know Him. I know that man. And He knows me." I am a witness of Jesus the Christ and oh! how I've learned to love Him. I will not deny it. Ever since I've learned to hold His hand, I knew that He would never give up on me, because He is so infinitely loving, merciful, jovial, majestic, and tender, and His knowledge of me is perfect. And though I may feel broken and alone as I take up my cross, He beckons me on.
And He beckons you, too.
xo
Makenzie
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