“What I imagined would be a whimsical stay beside one of the world's most beautiful lakes turned out to be anything but easy. After so many long days and nights in mind's chaos and mental turmoil, I little expected a day of parted whirlwinds where I could enjoy the lake we were at waterfront for. My hurt felt too deep to peer ahead for a new beginning on the freshwater sea. But a graceful surprise had yet to find me…”
August 20th, 2024
Last week was messy. My tapestry of expectations and high hopes for a splendid late-summer vacation in Coeur D'Alene with my family were suddenly abashed in my first steps of travel, evoking an unraveled struggle for days on my brain, until at the very last moment, the rough strips of my brokenness were gently wound in grace by immaculate heavenly fingertips, sealing the painful & pure into one riveting whole.
It may have been our flat trailer tire that turned everything upside down on our lengthy drive to the lake, adding four extra hours to our travel; or maybe the most chaotic and stimulating rest stops on the way that triggered my brain into psychosis for the late drive; or maybe it was just an off brain week altogether, but what I imagined would be a whimsical stay beside one of the world's most beautiful lakes turned out to be anything but easy.
For most of the week, the struggle and relapse of my mind and seizures of my body brought tears enough to fill the home's bathtubs, and the discouragement and grief I felt as I faced all I used to know of myself, nearly stung my heart like the short Idaho lightning storm. When my parents and siblings were able to rotate between swimming & fishing on the shores, to wakesurfing on our motor boat, and taking paddleboard races alone to the deep ends, I was hardly able to do either, my severe disabilities requiring me to avoid overstimulation and be cared for and watched at all times. I didn't understand why I was feeling so raw and discouraged, overcome by panic attacks and brain disregulations hour after hour. I was consumed in my breaking, rather than uplifted by what I expected to be healing and the sorrow felt so crumbling. After so many long days and nights in mind's chaos and mental turmoil, I little expected a day of parted whirlwinds where I could enjoy the lake we were at waterfront for. My hurt felt too deep to peer ahead for a new beginning on the freshwater sea. But a graceful surprise had yet to find me.
In the morning wake of our last day at the waterfront, there was a sweet solitude that broke through the ache of my anguish and it was as if everything made a place for me to cherish the last hours of the week with my family: to dip my feet in the slow waters, feel the cool and low light of the sun behind the clouds on the docks, and really listen to the slow, frustrated beat of my heart as I let go of my discouragement and decided to just BE and feel in all deeps and rises, no matter what I could not do. The fog of my brain cleared, my limbs were no longer trembling, the skies were cool, the waters smooth, the breeze adrift, and for once in a long time, I had the chance to drink in the stillness after the pain and peer into a new lense of the present. And at sunset with the geese honking home, I swept slowly across the rippling waters of the lake in a scarlet kayak and sighed as I hovered beneath the rising moon, beginning to ponder the reality of my week, where again the cringe of present illness entered deep and humbled my heart in transforming sorrow and ever-consuming anxiety. But then - THIS. This moment - wholly grievous and wholly beautiful - was complete in timely, sacred harmony of the miserable bridging the sweet. This moment was purely and surely the Lord's preordained quill scribbling against the crumbled, tear-stained pages of my TBI surviving story, showing me what I was walking on the bridge from sorrow to stillness, and grief to grace.
To any spirit lost and sobbing over your own torn tapestry of dreams, expectations, plans, or memories, may God's ever-guiding strength and radiance lift your broken heart. Keep seeking. Keep striving! And stay in it with all your heart. This is when stillness is found. This is when hope is discovered. In the lost memories of our past, we have a new chance to become everything more holy and magnificent than we ever could be. Dreams will begin and wings of healing will fly for us.
“I am seeking. I am striving. I am in it with all my heart." - Vincent Van Gogh
All my love,
Makenzie Monson
Sure do love you!! So glad you have your faith to rely on. My prayers are constant for you!